Kovixen

It's been so long since I've written here, I was actually signed out of moveable type. I had no idea what my user name was, but I guessed correctly thank god. I have nothing else to do right now besides type, and I have to stay up. The evil a$$ next door decided to start banging, and I am the lucky one designated tonight to call the police if he does it one more time. Peter needs his sleep, but I'm frustrated because I'm dizzy and tired and scared that I'm coming down with something and will have to take care of Andy while sick. I'm such a wuss when it comes to not feeling well, I think I'd have to pay for my mother to fly up here instantly if I end up nauseous with my head in the toilet tomorrow.

I've missed blogging so much lately. I've been so incredibly busy that I haven't had a chance to write, unless you count my wasted hour spent perusing myspace yesterday for over an hour, but that was important me time. Stalking is a part of life, and I needed to do it in order to keep my sanity. Everyone needs a break once in a while. But seriously, it's like every time I get a break from Andy, I have a ton of emails to respond to, blogging to do (same the holiday season and its sales!), laundry that is disgusted and has to be done immediately or else, or Emergency Procedures to write up. I had to prepare for Thanksgiving, then I had to prepare for my conference last weekend (which rocked the hizzle I must say, gotta love hanging out wtih the girls and being a sorority girl first and a mom second for a change), and now this week which is insanely busy because of said conference. My house is disgusting because I haven't cleaned or picked up or anything in over a week. I have empty boxes next to me, an overflowing trash can, and tons of papers that I feel I need for no particular reason. I have a scarf that needs to be knit in 9 days for a Christmas party, ideas for blog entries sitting all over the place, and a t-shirt that I don't like that I have to review. And all I want to do is sleep.

I've really had a hard week because of one thing I'm trying my best to avoid because it hurts too much. I'm worried about my grandmother. As you know, my father's mother passed away in June. That was really tough for me, one reason being because I really screwed up my relationship there. I'm not as close to that side of the family, probably because I have always felt like a second class family member, especially after my half brothers came along, and I never made an effort with my grandmother as I should have. I should have called more, initated things. But I'm incredibly stubborn and refuse to contact anyone whom I feel won't contact me. And now it's too late and I miss her so much. Now with my other grandmother's health not great, all these emotions are coming back. I'm so scared to lose her and my grandfather. I've always been very close to them. They've really made an effort to get to know my and all their grandchildren on a very personal level. I appreciate that so much, but now that they're getting older, I'm so scared something will happen to them. My grandmother isn't dying, but she's not doing all that great physically. I should go down there and visit more, call more, and I'm not doing it enough and I want to hit myself over the head because I don't want to screw up again.

I'm also thinking back to this time last year when I thought I was going to have to terminate my pregnancy even though I was past the half way mark, and I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want pity and uncomfortableness (yes, that's a word on Kovixen). I keep thinking about how lucky I am that Andy is totally healthy, but then I get a huge amount of guilt for not loving every aspect of my life all the time. I'm not totally depressed like I was back this summer, but I'm not always happy and loving my current life. I feel like I've lost my independence. I'm once again 15 years old and not able to go anywhere. I know it's a little different now, but I can't really take Andy to the 9pm movie that I want to see. He freaks out at the mom's movie to the point where I consider leaving because omg what a fusser. I miss going out to eat, to seeing my friends once in a while, to being able to realistically consider going on a vacation. Now the only people I see are Andy, Peter, and my only mom friend Jennifer and her son. It's such an effort to leave the house right now as we're in the in between stage where Andy's car seat stays in the car, yet he can't walk to it so I have to lug his 26lbs into the car which is damn near impossible. And really, where would I go in the cold weather? The mall's crowded, the bike path is cold, and anywhere else would take too long and interfere with his naps. This is what I'm always thinking, and I feel guilty because I should be happy that I'm having these issues. That I'm not stuck trying to get pregnant and taking my temperature and depressed because I may never have children. That I didn't have to decide whether or not to keep my unborn child. I am so sick of the constant Mommy guilt. I am beginning to think it'll never go away.

Yeah, so that's what is going on with me these last few weeks. I'm still here, just slowly losing my mind.